Love Needs

While I was away on my "Girls Weekend" at Tremblant, we got into an interesting discussion about relationships and needs and what we do or don't like when it comes to this crazy lil thing called love.

Some of my friends have remained single by choice, others by circumstance, and still others are divorced and hoping to meet someone to share their life with again. It's amazing how different everyone is regarding taste in looks, personality and romance requirements. It actually surprises me that ANYONE ever finds a match with all of the varying people out there!

As we got to talking, and looking through profiles on Plenty Of Fish (don't ask!) it hit me that if I was out there searching again, I'd probably still pick my husband, or a facsimile anyways. Ha!

When we first met, he was VERY different from anyone I had dated previously and my friends and family weren't too sure about him. What I LIKED about him were the very things they hated. He's cocky, arrogant, and very sure of himself. That bravado is what sold me! On top of which, he's handsome as heck, makes me laugh, makes me think, calls me on my BS, and was great with my niece and kids in general. The part they didn't realize was that underneath, he's a total sensitive kitten. (he'll love me for that comparison!) If anything, he's the romantic, sweet one of the two of us.

I think for many years, I sort of....okay not sort of...definitely.....idolized him to some degree. I put him on this pedestal of being infallible and my "Knight in Shining Armour" that could do no wrong in my eyes. I mean, he annoyed me many times, but I'm more specifically referring to the bigger picture. Who knew that an unsentimental girl like me had built that up in her head, right? I'm as shocked as you!

The problem is, our love styles are very different. I go along casually, just believing that "bad times" are just part and parcel of life in a relationship, or with kids. I had set up my headspace already that some years would be tough or lean-like when the kids were little or we were trying to get our life plans sorted. I don't require a lot of coddling, or huggy/kissy stuff, and I like my space, so I just figured things were good.

My husband? He internalizes a lot more and needs more one on one time and reassurance. Who knew?

So, a few years back, we got to that do or die fork in the road and had to have some very big, important chats. It boiled down to still being crazy about each other, but having to each tweak how we relate, while respecting the other persons needs too. It sounds like a bad thing, but I think I saw my husband for who he really is at that point-flaws and all, and not the epic hero I'd created to come save me in my imagination.

The way we approach things may be very different, our needs may be very different, but if I was searching online dating-his profile, to this day, is the one that would catch my eye and reel me in. Go deeper than the superficial description, and our parenting, religious and family beliefs all line up as well. Sometimes, it takes bad times to make you see what was there all along, and what your heart was REALLY needing and searching.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I better go show some love to the man I'd like to continue to "have a longterm relationship" with and "hang out" casually.

Is This What A Mid-Life Crisis Looks Like?

I have a sort of constant itch lately. I feel like I'm supposed to (dictated by whom is what I can't quite figure?) be doing more, seeing more, being more.

When I search for what this means, delving into my head space on repeat in an everlasting playlist, I come up empty handed.

On the one hand, why can't I just be content with the status quo? Why must I always be seeking, searching, looking, yearning?

On the flip side,  maybe the days have more to offer that I'm neglecting to hope for, because hope for me has often left me charred and more than a little wary.

I have dreams, specific long term plans and goals. Yet, I seem to have no energy on a day to day basis to even consider the reach.

I tell myself, like with every move we've done, that I need to devote a year to just "being."  It usually takes that long to suss out what I want and where I'm at emotionally. The problem is, I've never been very patient. This time, it seems even more just out of my grasp. The continual loop of enquiry in my brain is draining and exhausting. It's that physical denouement that is most prevalent.

I know the best Rx for this is just to give things, give everything, time. Time. Time. Time. It's the story echoing and reverberating through the hollows of my mind.

How much time? For what?

I know many who went through a sort of turning point around 40 years old. Worse, for some, it was a spiralling plummet without a parachute.  I'd prefer to be the former than the latter.

I'll give it some time and take some small, tentative steps, because I don't "allow" crisis. To every problem there is a solution. To every uncertainty there must be a leap. I have no idea where my path is leading....but I continue to follow.

The Time, It Is A 'Flyin'

I was talking to a neighbour this morning, as we both hurried up the street after dropping our kids at school, about the fact that it's suddenly December 1st. I say suddenly because, really, how is this possible? I guess that as the routines of each day pass, one week transforms into the next and finds us already scrambling for what's looming on the calendar's horizon.


November seemed particularly busy for my clan, with obligations and social events alike. There was even a professional photo shoot (more on that to come) and a weekend away with friends for me. So, obviously it wasn't all rush with no fun!


The heading of "December" on the wall this morning has me grabbing pen and paper and making some lists of food to buy and make, gifts left to purchase (yes, I've already made a good dent) and cards to sign, address and stamp. There are social plans to look forward to, and many work events and later schedules for my husband. All in all December is an exciting, hopeful month but like all the others of late -it's one that seems to zoom by in the blink of lights, decorations, food and deadlines.


If I'm going to get it all done, with time to it back and revel in all that organization, I better get to it!

Introvert? Extrovert?

Do you think it's possible to be an extroverted introvert? Or, an introverted extrovert? Where exactly do the lines get drawn on the distinctions between the two polarities?

I'm usually what people who are introverted call an extrovert. I get nervous about speaking in public, but once I'm up there I'm totally fine and even enjoy it. If I go to a party where I don't know a soul, I'll go around the room and introduce myself and have an easy time making small talk. When I'm out and about in the world, I talk to strangers to the point where I often get their whole life story. We've moved several times, and I tend to make new friends pretty quickly and easily because I have no qualms about putting myself out there.

In fact, without social contact and a network of differing peoples and personalities in my circle, I get a little isolated and down.  That's why Twitter is so great for me, I love trading chats with all walks of life from all over. I really DO truly believe that everyone has something to teach or offer to help me re-frame my outlook. It's refreshing to me.

Yet, I am also very particular in my need for quiet space. My husband laments the fact that I'll insulate myself once the kids are in bed and I have no other obligations to my family or home. In those quiet moments of the night, I will sit quietly and surf the net or just be alone with my thoughts.

I'm also more than likely not to share personal facts or feelings outside of my own minds ramblings or with a select one or two individuals. I'm not typically the type that's going to "spill it" and ask for your feedback. I prefer to work things out in my own way, in my own time. Yes, that takes quiet introspection and being alone.

I seem to swing from super outgoing and sociable to solitary and withdrawn. That seems a little Polar now that I've expressed it as such. I'm sure that's totally the norm on the introvert/extrovert spectrum.

Right?

How Is It November?

We're already in the second week of November, and for the life of me, I can't figure out where the time has gone. We've been in our new house exactly two months now, Halloween has passed and Christmas is coming around the corner.

My kids had a great Halloween, while I continued my current state of being on auto-pilot. For the first time, my eldest went out with friends as her sister and I hit the pavement with their cousins. That felt a little strange, I won't lie! We also attended a family Halloween party with my sister's friends which was a lot of fun.

As November entered, we had my husband traveling, and much of the little things in the house done. We haven't touched any of the bigger jobs, but the decorating is taking shape. I've even done some of my Christmas shopping. My goal is to be finished by the first week in December so I can enjoy that month with friends and family.

As to my head space, I'm not sure where I'm at. I seem to have little motivation for......anything. I'm exhausted most days. I've upped my sleep and some vitamins so I'll give it a month and if there's no change, I'll hit the doctor for some blood work. I'm not exercising, I'm not watching what I eat as stringently, I'm just sort of "blah." I'm not sure if it's emotional or physical or.....so I'm just waiting it out a bit. I won't let it go on forever, no worry there, but I'll give it some time and see if I find my way back to myself.

Hopefully it won't be too long of a journey.

The Study of Human Behaviour

Humans are such interesting and tricky creatures aren't they? Happy one moment, sad the next, angry without reason, flushed with joy. It's a continual roller coaster, and every second of it fascinates me. I've always been interested in observing and analyzing, and "how people work" is pretty much one of my fav pastimes.

No matter what the background, everybody comes to adulthood with some sort of emotional baggage. It's not so much the baggage itself that interests me, we all have a story of heartache or loss, it's more the way people try to hide, avoid, excuse or handle their baggage that is intriguing.

Oh, don't think I don't peruse myself under the big microscope of self-analysis as well. I'm a confronter by nature, and I'm also uber self-critical. I've pretty much "got my number" by this point.

It's the dichotomy of allowances people make for themselves but not for others, or the forgiveness they bestow on one situation but not another, the way they'll find to loathe one person, but uphold another or the way they'll excuse those they love for the same transgression as committed by someone they don't.

There are those that act tough to camouflage a fragile and sensitive spirit, those who pretend not to hurt by acting angry, and those that avoid in order not to address or feel at all. There are those that pretend to themselves that things are unfixeable so they never have to take action.

I'm not judging or saying there's one way to "be." I think we all survive and get by as we can on this path. Some are further ahead, maybe, enlightenment and growth wise and some are finding their way little by little. Would I rather people be pro-active in some way, like finding remedies and recognizing an excuse from reality, or by letting go of blame and releasing anger? Sure, I would. But like everyone, I also struggle to always do those very things. I like to think I get there eventually, which I qualify is better than never getting there at all.

Sometimes, I think I should have become a psychologist due to this interest in the behaviors of humankind. However, Armchair Psychology 101 is a lot more fun and doesn't require actually trying to guide someone to the truth. It's a lot less painful this way, and a lot cheaper too.

Deafening Silence

As those of you who have followed this blog know, when there are lapses in posts it usually means one of two things. I'm either super happy and super busy, or I'm in a super funk.

When I'm fabulously busy with social engagements and activities, my blogging can go by the wayside. When I'm feeling out of my groove, I tend to isolate myself and close ranks so that I can ride my "stuff" out without bringing others down. That's not to say I'm all depressed, it could just mean my head, which NEVER shuts down, is working through a lot of issues and thoughts that just don't yet have a "place." if you know me, at all, you know that I don't do well without a little internal filing system. EVERYTHING has a place, or it should. Somehow, shockingly, not every issue fits nicely into my personal puzzling. That takes some introspection, and some time.

Things are moving along at a quick pace. School, travel, activities, schedules all seem to speed one week into another. Many days, I feel I'm just hanging on for the ride as we coast through. In my current state of mind, I'm okay with being dragged along. It's end of October almost, and in terms of how settled I feel? It could be first week of September.

Moving back here has stirred up a lot of differing emotions and shaken the dust on neglected chapters of books I'd thought I'd closed. They'll take some revisiting and I'll need to start finding their place once again. Some of that exploration can happen here, but because of how private a person I am, most of it won't. I'll need to seek out new outlets and activities because one can only avoid sleep and wallow in fatigue and isolation for so long.

"I'm just doing Life right now, I'm just doing Me."