It's been a month since I last wrote a post. Seriously? This month has seemingly just flown by and I can't even believe that July is already almost ending.
I had my niece and nephew full days for the first few weeks, so our days were spent playing, going to wave pools, swimming, playing Dominoes, going to Goodlife, having theme days, doing crafts and playing board games. Add in some park visits and some fighting and that was my first few weeks of July.
I've been putting in my training time for my 1/2 as well. Or, at least, trying to get the distances. I've thrown the idea of tempo runs out the window. It's just been way too stinkin' hot and after one tear laden run after another, I threw in the towel on that concept. I've been keeping up with my hill work but I'm not worrying about speed work. It's frankly a miracle to get the distance on my plan when it's that steamy out. Running in 45C humidex is NOT a pleasant experience, I tell ya.
The good news is that, once again, I've been shown what INCREDIBLE people I now surround myself with in life. What a huge blessing to be in the presence of supportive, encouraging and hand holding folks that TRULY want me to succeed. I put the word out that I was taking a running break, and immediately had offers for park workouts, TRX workouts, hand holding for my long procrastinated Spin classes and Yoga on the beach under a full moon with hundreds of other folks.
Consequently, my routine has now changed up a little. The weather has cooled slightly, so I'm back to running and not hating it so much. I've changed it to 3 runs a week: a shorter distance, hill repeats and a long, slow Sunday run. I've also added in a strength day (which I've been lucky enough to do with friends at the park. I've even run with tire sleds, yo! I know, right?) and a Spin day, and I try to add in some Yoga.
It's not all just working out, though!
I got to see my favourite band, Great Big Sea in concert, with my husband. I spent the entire time jumping up and down and dancing and screaming. The 20 year old girl beside me was doing the same, and about 1/2 way through the concert turned to me and said, "You're awesome! I thought I was the biggest fan here! It's like it's just you and I rockin' out!" My husband just shakes his head at my screaming, sweaty, bouncy self but I know he secretly loves it. :)
I'm currently on vacation for the next few weeks and have taken this first week to check some things off the "To Do" list such as the eye doctors and such. But, I also did my "scary thing" for this month!!! It's a big one!
I FINALLY got my G1!!!! I've procrastinated this since I was, literally, 20 years old. I've been putting it off and putting it off, and the more I did so, the bigger and scarier it became to me. I decided that getting it was my goal for July and buckled down to read the book and go to write the test. I was literally shaking. I could barely sign my name! When they said I passed and I came out of the room, I saw my husband sitting in the waiting area and I held my Temporary Permit up in the air like a crazy person! It was an INSANE feeling. I know it's only Step 1.....but that's where it all starts, right? I'm more determined than ever to see this through!
My kids were hugging me and saying how proud they were of me, and my friends were hugging me and jumping up and down with me like I'd won the lottery. It was an amazing feeling and again....awesome, incredible people in my life. Yep.
We went out for my friend Karen's 40th birthday last night, in a limo no less, and out to one of the best meals I've ever had. We had a hilarious time, the limo ride home was EPIC and may have involved some pant less people. Whoo. I love my friends because the older we get, the less we change. :) It's always a riot, and they are truly people I can just be myself around and they love me for it. In fact, my friend Kerry's husband surprised me at dinner by toasting ME and saying how, even though he doesn't comment, he follows my Facebook posts and sees what I'm doing and he thinks it's crazy inspiring and it's planting seeds of belief in others. WHAAAAT? I thought he was being facetious because, I know Facebook "workout" posts can get super annoying. (not that it stops me) But, no, the whole table toasted me and said how proud of me they are. I literally started crying and I went to bed thinking about it.
I didn't grow up with a ton of praise, and my family can often be cutting versus encouraging. In fact, I've always felt like "odd man out" in my family, the joke being that I was adopted. Most times, I honestly felt that maybe I was because I'm very different than the rest of my family, and it seemed they never really "got me." It's not that they don't care, it's just that my family isn't effusive with praise, for one, nor are they big on shows of affection. I get that, but as a super sensitive person, it always bothered me. I learned to not really seek their validation, but I THRIVE on praise, I've learned, so to hear how what I'm doing....little 'ol me.....is affecting others, especially coming from a big, strong dude.....it really touched me. Even if I annoy them sometimes with my posts. Again, they love me for the annoying and the inspiring. Ha!
So, that big, long update was July. It's been kind of a huge month!
We're doing some vacation trips coming up, to some truly beautiful areas, and I'm SO looking forward to it. In a sign of how times have changed, once again, we decided we wanted these trips to be less about spending, and more about experience. Our accommodations, food, gas and a little bit of outlet shopping are, of course, expenses. The majority of the trip however will be spent outside being active-hiking, biking, maybe stand up paddling. Anything that gets us moving and seeing and truly making memories.
Bring on August and the next challenge! I've got some "scary" happening in there as well!!!
Friday, July 26, 2013
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Where The Heck Has June Gone And Future Plans
The month of June, in my world, is a super busy, crazy one. It's no wonder why the month has flown by, and my blog writing has taken a back seat! My calendar looked nuts, with many weekdays pencilled in, as well as weekends booked solid. Who can complain about FUN though, right? June is a social month!
I celebrated my friend Claire's birthday, TWICE, which I think should become the standard! I got to celebrate my niece's 12th birthday, enjoyed Father's Day activities that my husband chose, and still paused to remember my own Dad. In there, I also bought teacher gifts and wrapped up the final week of school and my eldest daughter's Grade 8 graduation and the many parties surrounding that event!
I also got many runs in on my new training program, and added in some new circuit training. I got to partake in a very STEAMY "Yoga on the Hill" with my pals Jay and Caroline, and hundreds of others, in 40 degree heat. It was a blast though and I'd totally do it again!
Last night, my daughter had her 14th birthday party with 14 kids-a mix of boys and girls-and the girls slept over. It went well and she was happy with both her party and her gifts. I'm a bit exhausted today after breakfast and clean up, but to see her so excited and happy has been all worth it!
The fact that she's now entering high school has had me a bit nostalgic. I've been looking at some pictures and counting my blessings. My kids are AMAZING people, so confident and strong. I'm honoured to be their Mum, every day. It's not for everyone, but I've been REALLY lucky to have been able to have the best of all worlds. I knew when I became a Mother I wouldn't want to settle for anything but being home and available to my kids 24/7. Not everyone has that luxury, nor do they want it, but after working in daycare, I knew "I" wanted to be the face they saw all day, the one that hugged booboo's away, the one that rocked to sleep and the one that saw their "firsts." My husband has always not only supported that choice, but demanded it, and it worked perfectly in that I maintained my career, contributed to our family income, and stayed home by having a home daycare. I LOVE that I've been able to not miss a moment. Honestly, I feel like that has made a huge difference in my children. My ambition has never been career driven, it's always been family based. Even my high school yearbook has my ambition being "to realize the white picket dream." It's what I've always wanted and I don't regret not having some "big job" for a second.
That said, as my kids get older, I've started thinking about what I'd like to do "now." The more I've thought about it, the more I've come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to be that "career driven" individual. I have never wanted to be the "boss" in any job I've ever had. I'm always happier in the background, part of the team. I took on leadership roles most of my younger life, and I have no desire for that anymore. I think when much of your childhood is spent trying to survive and excel and "get ahead"-you burn out. I just want peace, tranquility and a quiet existence now. No bells and whistles needed. Where I'm truly happiest is with my family and my friends that have become more like my family. Anything separate to that would just be "punching a time card."
The other night, I was leaving for dinner out with friends and had prepped a meal for my husband to make. He decided he'd take the kids out instead. I joked that without me there they can't function or even get a meal on the table! My husband looked at me, hugged me and said, "That's exactly it, Trace. We CAN'T function without you and all that you do for our family," Hmm, he may have won some points there(or eased my frustration about his going out to dinner when a meal was almost ready on the counter!) When I'm serious and focused about something, as a perfectionist who is critical, I make sure I give 100 percent of myself to the task. My family has been that focus for me, and will continue to be, for as long as I live. I say that without shame or remorse or guilt, and I don't care what anyone else thinks of that choice. Some think I'm a bit "Martha Stewart" about being a Mum. Great! I wear it with pride.
That doesn't mean I can't pursue other things that will get my laser focus, though. I just don't know that slaving away at a 9-5 like everyone else is that thing. :)
This year has been full of transition, and continues to not disappoint. I'm planning on an EPIC summer and then a world of change for September forward. Keep an eye on this blog. You never know WHAT I might do next.
I celebrated my friend Claire's birthday, TWICE, which I think should become the standard! I got to celebrate my niece's 12th birthday, enjoyed Father's Day activities that my husband chose, and still paused to remember my own Dad. In there, I also bought teacher gifts and wrapped up the final week of school and my eldest daughter's Grade 8 graduation and the many parties surrounding that event!
I also got many runs in on my new training program, and added in some new circuit training. I got to partake in a very STEAMY "Yoga on the Hill" with my pals Jay and Caroline, and hundreds of others, in 40 degree heat. It was a blast though and I'd totally do it again!
Last night, my daughter had her 14th birthday party with 14 kids-a mix of boys and girls-and the girls slept over. It went well and she was happy with both her party and her gifts. I'm a bit exhausted today after breakfast and clean up, but to see her so excited and happy has been all worth it!
The fact that she's now entering high school has had me a bit nostalgic. I've been looking at some pictures and counting my blessings. My kids are AMAZING people, so confident and strong. I'm honoured to be their Mum, every day. It's not for everyone, but I've been REALLY lucky to have been able to have the best of all worlds. I knew when I became a Mother I wouldn't want to settle for anything but being home and available to my kids 24/7. Not everyone has that luxury, nor do they want it, but after working in daycare, I knew "I" wanted to be the face they saw all day, the one that hugged booboo's away, the one that rocked to sleep and the one that saw their "firsts." My husband has always not only supported that choice, but demanded it, and it worked perfectly in that I maintained my career, contributed to our family income, and stayed home by having a home daycare. I LOVE that I've been able to not miss a moment. Honestly, I feel like that has made a huge difference in my children. My ambition has never been career driven, it's always been family based. Even my high school yearbook has my ambition being "to realize the white picket dream." It's what I've always wanted and I don't regret not having some "big job" for a second.
That said, as my kids get older, I've started thinking about what I'd like to do "now." The more I've thought about it, the more I've come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to be that "career driven" individual. I have never wanted to be the "boss" in any job I've ever had. I'm always happier in the background, part of the team. I took on leadership roles most of my younger life, and I have no desire for that anymore. I think when much of your childhood is spent trying to survive and excel and "get ahead"-you burn out. I just want peace, tranquility and a quiet existence now. No bells and whistles needed. Where I'm truly happiest is with my family and my friends that have become more like my family. Anything separate to that would just be "punching a time card."
The other night, I was leaving for dinner out with friends and had prepped a meal for my husband to make. He decided he'd take the kids out instead. I joked that without me there they can't function or even get a meal on the table! My husband looked at me, hugged me and said, "That's exactly it, Trace. We CAN'T function without you and all that you do for our family," Hmm, he may have won some points there(or eased my frustration about his going out to dinner when a meal was almost ready on the counter!) When I'm serious and focused about something, as a perfectionist who is critical, I make sure I give 100 percent of myself to the task. My family has been that focus for me, and will continue to be, for as long as I live. I say that without shame or remorse or guilt, and I don't care what anyone else thinks of that choice. Some think I'm a bit "Martha Stewart" about being a Mum. Great! I wear it with pride.
That doesn't mean I can't pursue other things that will get my laser focus, though. I just don't know that slaving away at a 9-5 like everyone else is that thing. :)
This year has been full of transition, and continues to not disappoint. I'm planning on an EPIC summer and then a world of change for September forward. Keep an eye on this blog. You never know WHAT I might do next.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Happy Write-Off
This whole week has been a glorious blur. I've literally had a crazy fun time, which also means I have kind of thrown my whole "plan" out the window. That stresses me out, on the one hand, and on the other? I could give a flying rat's patootie.
I managed to follow my training plan on Monday and got my run in. I also completed my 30 Day Ab Challenge and took my final measurements. (1 inch down on the waist, another inch on the hips! Ya baby!) That's where it all kinda goes to pot.
I woke up Tuesday morning with my back feeling...weird. Sort of locked and stiff. I decided to make an Executive Call and skip my run and take a Rest Day. I took care of my friend's 4 month old instead and OH MY. The cutes. I loved every minute of it. He's super adorable.
We were supposed to go to the New Kids concert that night, but it got postponed, which I wasn't that upset about since my back was still feeling all sorts of wrong.
I thought I'd head out Wednesday morning for a run, but I woke up with my back still feeling stiff. It wasn't as bad as the day before, but definitely not what I'd call 100%.
The concert that night was EPIC. Whooo. We had a nice dinner out at Aperitivo (tapas, all Gluten free!) and it was delish. We *may* have felt like we were teenagers again and consumed several ROUNDS of Lemon Drop shots. We then *may* have had several more rounds at the concert. On top of the other drinks. I was Hangin' Tough for sure! What a hilarious night though. That's definitely one for the memory banks. I've had some crazy times with those girls, we've been friends for 26 years, and I imagine there are many more to come. We did a lot of dancing and a lot of screaming, so I woke up Thursday with a killer sore throat and even more monumental hangover.
So, yeah. Thursday, the only exercise I was doing was raising Advil and water to my parched lips and sore throat.
Friday, I had volunteering for 3 hours, followed by the kids all home for a PD day, followed by a big pasta dinner out with my Mom, niece, daughter and her friend. It was very yummy and we had a nice time, so again, no complaints.
That brings us to yesterday. I had to get groceries, run to the mall with my daughter for several birthday gifts, get home and get ready to surprise my friend Claire at a restaurant for HER birthday! It was a super night, her husband had arranged the whole thing and made it possible for she and I just to have dinner together and chat. There's never enough time when I'm with her. We could talk forever and a day it seems. (according to her husband we DO talk forever but....) I even managed some wine and some Caesars.
It's now Sunday and long run day. I've been puttering and hanging out after a horrific nights sleep, filled with tons and tons of very real nightmares. I hate when that happens. I've got the third load of laundry going and stuff prepped for dinner. My youngest had a friend over for a playdate and my husband took them to a movie now. He did some of my planned yardwork as well, which is really awesome.
So, long run. I'm thinking this evening when it gets a tad cooler outside.
I get stressed that I'm "off plan" because I'm a big "plan/organization" freak, but I'm actually not feeling too badly for some reason. I think it's because I know that when I go hard, I really push it, and when I need rest, I really listen. I had a week full of some of my favourite people and activities, and I'm not going to let that joy be stolen from those moments with fretting.
I managed to follow my training plan on Monday and got my run in. I also completed my 30 Day Ab Challenge and took my final measurements. (1 inch down on the waist, another inch on the hips! Ya baby!) That's where it all kinda goes to pot.
I woke up Tuesday morning with my back feeling...weird. Sort of locked and stiff. I decided to make an Executive Call and skip my run and take a Rest Day. I took care of my friend's 4 month old instead and OH MY. The cutes. I loved every minute of it. He's super adorable.
We were supposed to go to the New Kids concert that night, but it got postponed, which I wasn't that upset about since my back was still feeling all sorts of wrong.
I thought I'd head out Wednesday morning for a run, but I woke up with my back still feeling stiff. It wasn't as bad as the day before, but definitely not what I'd call 100%.
The concert that night was EPIC. Whooo. We had a nice dinner out at Aperitivo (tapas, all Gluten free!) and it was delish. We *may* have felt like we were teenagers again and consumed several ROUNDS of Lemon Drop shots. We then *may* have had several more rounds at the concert. On top of the other drinks. I was Hangin' Tough for sure! What a hilarious night though. That's definitely one for the memory banks. I've had some crazy times with those girls, we've been friends for 26 years, and I imagine there are many more to come. We did a lot of dancing and a lot of screaming, so I woke up Thursday with a killer sore throat and even more monumental hangover.
So, yeah. Thursday, the only exercise I was doing was raising Advil and water to my parched lips and sore throat.
Friday, I had volunteering for 3 hours, followed by the kids all home for a PD day, followed by a big pasta dinner out with my Mom, niece, daughter and her friend. It was very yummy and we had a nice time, so again, no complaints.
That brings us to yesterday. I had to get groceries, run to the mall with my daughter for several birthday gifts, get home and get ready to surprise my friend Claire at a restaurant for HER birthday! It was a super night, her husband had arranged the whole thing and made it possible for she and I just to have dinner together and chat. There's never enough time when I'm with her. We could talk forever and a day it seems. (according to her husband we DO talk forever but....) I even managed some wine and some Caesars.
It's now Sunday and long run day. I've been puttering and hanging out after a horrific nights sleep, filled with tons and tons of very real nightmares. I hate when that happens. I've got the third load of laundry going and stuff prepped for dinner. My youngest had a friend over for a playdate and my husband took them to a movie now. He did some of my planned yardwork as well, which is really awesome.
So, long run. I'm thinking this evening when it gets a tad cooler outside.
I get stressed that I'm "off plan" because I'm a big "plan/organization" freak, but I'm actually not feeling too badly for some reason. I think it's because I know that when I go hard, I really push it, and when I need rest, I really listen. I had a week full of some of my favourite people and activities, and I'm not going to let that joy be stolen from those moments with fretting.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Things That Seem Like A Good Idea At The Time....
There are times, even at my advanced age, that I give myself a huge facepalm for deluding myself into thinking something is a good idea, when I KNOW, clearly, that it is NOT. Here are some of those examples:
-when both hubby and I are in a rush to go somewhere/have plans/not together and need to get ready in a jiffy. It seems logical that jumping in the shower at the same time would speed up the process of readiness, killing two birds with one stone etc. Ya, no. That never quite happens that way.
-when I start watching "Girls" because I've heard it's great and lots of my friends are into it and I spend the whole time both disgusted and feeling like I need to turn it off/change the channel but somehow manage to watch both seasons anyways. There goes time I can't ever get back. BAD NAKED. Just...wrong.
-when I buy into my kids Oscar worthy dramatics that they are SO not feeling well and can barely raise their heavy heads from their pillows. One hour later, they're chatting me up non-stop and doing a craft and wondering when lunch is, and if they can hang with friends later and....
-when I think that somehow I've "outgrown" my propensity towards heatstroke and I can miraculously go out and run at 11am in peak heat without a care. I guess you don't outgrow that kind of thing.
-when I think I'm still 18, or 30 even, and can drink several Caesar's and bottles of wine and just sleep it off. Now, 3 drinks in I'm thinking....this is not going to be good, time to stop. I don't always listen to myself.
-when I think that because I've lost weight I can now wear whatever outfits I want, forgetting the small detail that my actual body shape of a short, high waisted torso and ample bosom have not miraculously disappeared and that hey-those same clothes that looked like crap on me at 21 STILL don't look great. (Rompers? I'm looking at YOU)
-when I feel nausea coming on and my response is my usual, "oh, that means eat MORE stuff and it'll go away." Huh. You can't say I'm not persistent.
-when I think that writing this stuff down, here in this space, will prevent me from falling into these traps again and again.
-when both hubby and I are in a rush to go somewhere/have plans/not together and need to get ready in a jiffy. It seems logical that jumping in the shower at the same time would speed up the process of readiness, killing two birds with one stone etc. Ya, no. That never quite happens that way.
-when I start watching "Girls" because I've heard it's great and lots of my friends are into it and I spend the whole time both disgusted and feeling like I need to turn it off/change the channel but somehow manage to watch both seasons anyways. There goes time I can't ever get back. BAD NAKED. Just...wrong.
-when I buy into my kids Oscar worthy dramatics that they are SO not feeling well and can barely raise their heavy heads from their pillows. One hour later, they're chatting me up non-stop and doing a craft and wondering when lunch is, and if they can hang with friends later and....
-when I think that somehow I've "outgrown" my propensity towards heatstroke and I can miraculously go out and run at 11am in peak heat without a care. I guess you don't outgrow that kind of thing.
-when I think I'm still 18, or 30 even, and can drink several Caesar's and bottles of wine and just sleep it off. Now, 3 drinks in I'm thinking....this is not going to be good, time to stop. I don't always listen to myself.
-when I think that because I've lost weight I can now wear whatever outfits I want, forgetting the small detail that my actual body shape of a short, high waisted torso and ample bosom have not miraculously disappeared and that hey-those same clothes that looked like crap on me at 21 STILL don't look great. (Rompers? I'm looking at YOU)
-when I feel nausea coming on and my response is my usual, "oh, that means eat MORE stuff and it'll go away." Huh. You can't say I'm not persistent.
-when I think that writing this stuff down, here in this space, will prevent me from falling into these traps again and again.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Brave (No, Not the Disney Movie)
When I was a teenager, one of the qualities I searched for in a boyfriend, was that he be brave. I don't mean brave as in, had a secret identity and fought crime in the dark shadows of the night, I just mean I wanted to feel safe knowing that if the chips may fall, he'd stand up for me. He'd be strong for me. He'd help fight my battles.
I grew up in an environment that was not, on any given day, what you'd call safe. I never felt fully secure, not just emotionally, but also physically. Many a day I felt the very real possibility that it could be my last. When you're 10 years old, that's not a great feeling to try to make sense of in any way, shape or form. I never felt like someone was there, standing up for me. A lot of the time, other than my brother and my grandmother, I truly felt like I was fighting a singular battle where survival was the ultimate goal.
I know this sounds dramatic. Trust me, I know. It's why most of the time, I minimize these years and what happened, or I laugh when telling some horrific tales, trying to diminish their power.
I can't speak for anyone else in my family, I think everyone experiences events differently, but that's how it felt, to me.
I had a serious boyfriend for awhile in my later teens, and I really, really liked him. Yet, one of the things that I couldn't get past with him was that I just never truly felt safe with him. I always felt like the rug was going to be pulled out from under me, or that if push came to shove, he'd leave me on my own. I couldn't make it work with that nagging in my gut.
Then, I met my husband. While we had immediate physical chemistry, it was more that he was this cocky, arrogant guy that NOTHING phased. He was absolutely sure of himself and his space in the world. His confidence set off my "BAZINGA" meters instantly. ('kay, BAZINGA wasn't actually a "thing" then but.....) I tested him in a million different ways, cause I'm cruel like that, and he just kept showing me this rock solid, steadfast stance. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I had reached a port in what had been a very long storm. He made me feel safe, protected, sheltered. I'm an intense person, and my temper is legendary in my family. He just took it in stride. He was the rock to my crashing waves, the calm breeze to my howling winds, the water thrown on my raging fire.
We've been together 20 years this year, and for a long, long time, that dynamic has worked. In fact, it still holds true that he is the one I immediately turn to when I'm spinning anxiously out of control. I know, even when I'm cascading with fear, that he will remain calm and talk me down from the ledge; appealing to my logic and presenting me with facts that overpower the emotion and dread I'm feeling.
I realized something though, in the last 5 years or so. I realized that while my husband CAN be many things for me, he can't be brave for me. All along, all the while I have been fighting and clawing and working and crying and screaming and building walls and coping-all the time that I spent feeling all alone-I have been brave for MYSELF. I've always HAD to be, but as obstacles in life mount, it may not be pretty (cause I don't really do pretty) but it's been ME constantly fighting for myself. Standing up for myself. Shaking myself off. Picking myself up. Figuring out what I want and where I want to be. Making difficult choices and choosing unpopular paths. Another person can stand beside you, they can lend you support and encouragement, they can help you believe in yourself and inspire you to try, and I KNOW those things are vitally important as well, but they can't DO IT for you.
At the end of the day, the one thing I've feared for so long is the one thing that I've actually always known. In the end, what we do and how we triumph comes down to ourselves. I've never "needed" someone to be brave for me, after all. I've just needed to believe in my own courage and my own fight. I've always tackled difficulties head on, on my own, but my mistake has been in not believing I COULD do it on my own. Support is a wonderful thing, don't get me wrong. I also still have many, many, many a doubt filled day. However, I'm learning and growing daily too.
As I free myself more and more from the shackles that have held me hostage or kept me fearful, I realize that brave, fighting girl is the same one today that was always there-at 10, at 18, and at 34 years old. She may have been often on her own, but she did alright. I see that now.
My growth isn't in BEING brave, it's in BELIEVING that I'm capable of slaying dragons all on my own. No Knights needed.
I grew up in an environment that was not, on any given day, what you'd call safe. I never felt fully secure, not just emotionally, but also physically. Many a day I felt the very real possibility that it could be my last. When you're 10 years old, that's not a great feeling to try to make sense of in any way, shape or form. I never felt like someone was there, standing up for me. A lot of the time, other than my brother and my grandmother, I truly felt like I was fighting a singular battle where survival was the ultimate goal.
I know this sounds dramatic. Trust me, I know. It's why most of the time, I minimize these years and what happened, or I laugh when telling some horrific tales, trying to diminish their power.
I can't speak for anyone else in my family, I think everyone experiences events differently, but that's how it felt, to me.
I had a serious boyfriend for awhile in my later teens, and I really, really liked him. Yet, one of the things that I couldn't get past with him was that I just never truly felt safe with him. I always felt like the rug was going to be pulled out from under me, or that if push came to shove, he'd leave me on my own. I couldn't make it work with that nagging in my gut.
Then, I met my husband. While we had immediate physical chemistry, it was more that he was this cocky, arrogant guy that NOTHING phased. He was absolutely sure of himself and his space in the world. His confidence set off my "BAZINGA" meters instantly. ('kay, BAZINGA wasn't actually a "thing" then but.....) I tested him in a million different ways, cause I'm cruel like that, and he just kept showing me this rock solid, steadfast stance. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I had reached a port in what had been a very long storm. He made me feel safe, protected, sheltered. I'm an intense person, and my temper is legendary in my family. He just took it in stride. He was the rock to my crashing waves, the calm breeze to my howling winds, the water thrown on my raging fire.
We've been together 20 years this year, and for a long, long time, that dynamic has worked. In fact, it still holds true that he is the one I immediately turn to when I'm spinning anxiously out of control. I know, even when I'm cascading with fear, that he will remain calm and talk me down from the ledge; appealing to my logic and presenting me with facts that overpower the emotion and dread I'm feeling.
I realized something though, in the last 5 years or so. I realized that while my husband CAN be many things for me, he can't be brave for me. All along, all the while I have been fighting and clawing and working and crying and screaming and building walls and coping-all the time that I spent feeling all alone-I have been brave for MYSELF. I've always HAD to be, but as obstacles in life mount, it may not be pretty (cause I don't really do pretty) but it's been ME constantly fighting for myself. Standing up for myself. Shaking myself off. Picking myself up. Figuring out what I want and where I want to be. Making difficult choices and choosing unpopular paths. Another person can stand beside you, they can lend you support and encouragement, they can help you believe in yourself and inspire you to try, and I KNOW those things are vitally important as well, but they can't DO IT for you.
At the end of the day, the one thing I've feared for so long is the one thing that I've actually always known. In the end, what we do and how we triumph comes down to ourselves. I've never "needed" someone to be brave for me, after all. I've just needed to believe in my own courage and my own fight. I've always tackled difficulties head on, on my own, but my mistake has been in not believing I COULD do it on my own. Support is a wonderful thing, don't get me wrong. I also still have many, many, many a doubt filled day. However, I'm learning and growing daily too.
As I free myself more and more from the shackles that have held me hostage or kept me fearful, I realize that brave, fighting girl is the same one today that was always there-at 10, at 18, and at 34 years old. She may have been often on her own, but she did alright. I see that now.
My growth isn't in BEING brave, it's in BELIEVING that I'm capable of slaying dragons all on my own. No Knights needed.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Spring Cleaning
Dare I even mention OUT LOUD, that it might FINALLY be Spring?
I hadn't put any of our winter stuff away yet. My front hall closet still contains winter coats and mitts and hats. Hey, I'm no fool. Every time someone on FB updated their status saying they'd put "winter away," it snowed. I wasn't going to be that person! Our freaky Spring season "seems" to be here to stay, so I feel confident that I can move on to all things SPRING.
Along with the actual scrub down cleansing of all things home, in the Spring I like to do some mental decluttering. I like to take inventory of items in my home that can be purged; clothing, papers and knick knacks no longer in use, be gone! In that same manner, I do an internal inventory of "stuff" that is weighing me down and blocking me from moving forward into a new year with clarity and peace. I'm all Zen and New Age like that.
Sometimes that means changing my OWN head space around an issue that is stressing me, and sometimes it means it's time for a bigger toxic purge of negativity-which can include individuals that have nothing positive to offer me. Sometimes, those two things collide, and it's my own acceptance of a situation or person that has allowed the toxicity to exist.
I'm in a REALLY good place right now in many aspects of my life. I feel like I'm on the right road to a lifelong habit of healthy living. I make time, every day, to be active. I'm conscious of making sound nutritional choices for myself and my family, while balancing that out with my loves of chocolate almonds and booze. A girl has to have SOME vices! My family is totally on board to pursuing activities we can do together that are fit and active. My husband and I are in a very good place in our relationship-working together, talking things out, checking in with each other, spending time together and apart pursuing shared and separate interests.My children are happy, healthy, confident and secure in themselves. They're truly amazing-and all who meet them tell me the same. They make me PROUD daily. I'm surrounded by some of the most positive, inspiring, encouraging friends anyone should be blessed to have! My circle seems to be growing daily, and each new individual is a bright light, which is mind blowing! I feel embraced and centered in SO many areas. The flip side of this "love in" is-it illuminates with unflattering clarity where that peace is lacking.
So, I'm doing some mental sweeping once again. It's time to really do a deep clean and get those cobwebs out of the dark attic corners! My goal in life is to always be bettering myself and improving and changing what needs tweaking. No more opening the door to people who only bring animosity and poison. I will no longer allow it or read it or permit others to tell me about it or gossip to me about the unsavoury. Where I CAN omit contact, I will be.
I'm still working towards VENTURING and LEAPING into one challenging activity a month. April I ran my first 18k race. I've already run further in May, but of course that won't be all that I do! I still have plans for May. One of those is this final erasure of that which darkens my door.
The summer sunshine is shining brightly towards the future.....and I'm following it's brightened path.
I hadn't put any of our winter stuff away yet. My front hall closet still contains winter coats and mitts and hats. Hey, I'm no fool. Every time someone on FB updated their status saying they'd put "winter away," it snowed. I wasn't going to be that person! Our freaky Spring season "seems" to be here to stay, so I feel confident that I can move on to all things SPRING.
Along with the actual scrub down cleansing of all things home, in the Spring I like to do some mental decluttering. I like to take inventory of items in my home that can be purged; clothing, papers and knick knacks no longer in use, be gone! In that same manner, I do an internal inventory of "stuff" that is weighing me down and blocking me from moving forward into a new year with clarity and peace. I'm all Zen and New Age like that.
Sometimes that means changing my OWN head space around an issue that is stressing me, and sometimes it means it's time for a bigger toxic purge of negativity-which can include individuals that have nothing positive to offer me. Sometimes, those two things collide, and it's my own acceptance of a situation or person that has allowed the toxicity to exist.
I'm in a REALLY good place right now in many aspects of my life. I feel like I'm on the right road to a lifelong habit of healthy living. I make time, every day, to be active. I'm conscious of making sound nutritional choices for myself and my family, while balancing that out with my loves of chocolate almonds and booze. A girl has to have SOME vices! My family is totally on board to pursuing activities we can do together that are fit and active. My husband and I are in a very good place in our relationship-working together, talking things out, checking in with each other, spending time together and apart pursuing shared and separate interests.My children are happy, healthy, confident and secure in themselves. They're truly amazing-and all who meet them tell me the same. They make me PROUD daily. I'm surrounded by some of the most positive, inspiring, encouraging friends anyone should be blessed to have! My circle seems to be growing daily, and each new individual is a bright light, which is mind blowing! I feel embraced and centered in SO many areas. The flip side of this "love in" is-it illuminates with unflattering clarity where that peace is lacking.
So, I'm doing some mental sweeping once again. It's time to really do a deep clean and get those cobwebs out of the dark attic corners! My goal in life is to always be bettering myself and improving and changing what needs tweaking. No more opening the door to people who only bring animosity and poison. I will no longer allow it or read it or permit others to tell me about it or gossip to me about the unsavoury. Where I CAN omit contact, I will be.
I'm still working towards VENTURING and LEAPING into one challenging activity a month. April I ran my first 18k race. I've already run further in May, but of course that won't be all that I do! I still have plans for May. One of those is this final erasure of that which darkens my door.
The summer sunshine is shining brightly towards the future.....and I'm following it's brightened path.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Thankful, And Inspired!
I've been OVERWHELMED by the comments both here on the blog, on Twitter, FB and through email and messages regarding my 18K race and post. To say it's been extremely touching is just not even adequate. Thank you all, SO MUCH, for your constant encouragement and support.
The surprising part has been the emails from people saying that I've inspired THEM to start running or to get moving. A friend from highschool sent me a message after finishing her first half marathon, saying that it was my posts that encouraged her to get running, and on days she didn't want to run, it was my FB status updates that I was slugging it out in snow that made her go. WHUT?!!!
Wednesday nights, I join a casual group of friends for our "Run Club." I started with this group last August, when the thought of running 5k without walk intervals seemed implausible. I kept at it, after a HORRIBLE first night, and well, I'm where I am today. The great thing about the group, and what kept me going week after week, what kept me encouraged, was that there was always someone to run with the newer runners. Sometimes, the strongest runner there would hang back and make sure that we "newbies" were doing good, cheering us on. At the end, everyone waits for the last people, hooting and hollering, high fiving, running them in. It's an incredible feeling to feel like SO many believe in you and your abilities, when you yourself may be doubting.
I feel like it's now my turn to give back. Our Run Club has grown by leaps and bounds, with new members joining frequently, and I now choose to stay back and run intervals with those new recruits. It's important to me that they feel that same sense of pride, accomplishment and encouragement that I did, because I want them to have that same exhilarating freedom of meeting their goals, with a smile on their faces as they do it. It's also a happy run for me-watching this growth and strength. Win/win in my books.
I'm not special, I'm not a superstar. What I've accomplished running wise doesn't take anything more than time, patience, training and sheer determination. I want new runners to know they can ABSOLUTELY get 5k and beyond if they want it badly enough.
A week after my grueling 18K hilly hell race, I worried about going out and running a further distance. That race had seemed so monumental. I had set out that morning with a plan, organized, well hydrated, well fueled. Here it was Sunday Long Run day again, and I had 19K planned. I hosted Wine Club the night before and consumed a few glasses of white. I had 4ish hours of sleep. I wasn't sure how hydrated I was going to be. I woke up 45 minutes before my friend Jay was picking me up, and flew around the house like a mad woman.
We headed downtown to run from Hog's Back, up Colonel By to Rideau. Then, down Rideau to Queen Elizabeth, up Queen Elizabeth, around Dow's Lake, cross over a footbridge, back up Colonel By to Hog's Back. It seemed daunting. It was hot out. I wasn't fully prepared. Yet, I had a fantastic run. I felt alive, happy, the sun shining, folks waving and nodding, the beautiful scenery, the water beside. I ran joyously and enjoyed every moment. That afternoon, a little sunburnt and a little dehydrated, I realized I wasn't in the least sore or stiff. In fact, I've felt fantastic since that day.
THAT, that feeling, THAT is why I run. Not every run feels like that. Some are like the grueling 18K race. But every run teaches me something, and I don't just mean physically. I'm thankful that I'm able to run, and that I'm supported in my love of it.
I loved hearing how I'm inspiring others, it's truly what keeps me pushing. If I can in any way help someone find that joyous, heart full moment, than I feel like I've accomplished more than just "started running."
When I'm running, I think of those emails and messages. I think of people that inspire me, I think of my support team, and I also just settle into my Zen. I also think about my journey, with running and life, and how I just keep climbing out and over whatever is thrown my way. This song, cheesy as it may be, is one of my running power songs. I hope maybe it's words help inspire YOU to just keep "pushing on" as well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qolUC13bwMc
The surprising part has been the emails from people saying that I've inspired THEM to start running or to get moving. A friend from highschool sent me a message after finishing her first half marathon, saying that it was my posts that encouraged her to get running, and on days she didn't want to run, it was my FB status updates that I was slugging it out in snow that made her go. WHUT?!!!
Wednesday nights, I join a casual group of friends for our "Run Club." I started with this group last August, when the thought of running 5k without walk intervals seemed implausible. I kept at it, after a HORRIBLE first night, and well, I'm where I am today. The great thing about the group, and what kept me going week after week, what kept me encouraged, was that there was always someone to run with the newer runners. Sometimes, the strongest runner there would hang back and make sure that we "newbies" were doing good, cheering us on. At the end, everyone waits for the last people, hooting and hollering, high fiving, running them in. It's an incredible feeling to feel like SO many believe in you and your abilities, when you yourself may be doubting.
I feel like it's now my turn to give back. Our Run Club has grown by leaps and bounds, with new members joining frequently, and I now choose to stay back and run intervals with those new recruits. It's important to me that they feel that same sense of pride, accomplishment and encouragement that I did, because I want them to have that same exhilarating freedom of meeting their goals, with a smile on their faces as they do it. It's also a happy run for me-watching this growth and strength. Win/win in my books.
I'm not special, I'm not a superstar. What I've accomplished running wise doesn't take anything more than time, patience, training and sheer determination. I want new runners to know they can ABSOLUTELY get 5k and beyond if they want it badly enough.
A week after my grueling 18K hilly hell race, I worried about going out and running a further distance. That race had seemed so monumental. I had set out that morning with a plan, organized, well hydrated, well fueled. Here it was Sunday Long Run day again, and I had 19K planned. I hosted Wine Club the night before and consumed a few glasses of white. I had 4ish hours of sleep. I wasn't sure how hydrated I was going to be. I woke up 45 minutes before my friend Jay was picking me up, and flew around the house like a mad woman.
We headed downtown to run from Hog's Back, up Colonel By to Rideau. Then, down Rideau to Queen Elizabeth, up Queen Elizabeth, around Dow's Lake, cross over a footbridge, back up Colonel By to Hog's Back. It seemed daunting. It was hot out. I wasn't fully prepared. Yet, I had a fantastic run. I felt alive, happy, the sun shining, folks waving and nodding, the beautiful scenery, the water beside. I ran joyously and enjoyed every moment. That afternoon, a little sunburnt and a little dehydrated, I realized I wasn't in the least sore or stiff. In fact, I've felt fantastic since that day.
THAT, that feeling, THAT is why I run. Not every run feels like that. Some are like the grueling 18K race. But every run teaches me something, and I don't just mean physically. I'm thankful that I'm able to run, and that I'm supported in my love of it.
I loved hearing how I'm inspiring others, it's truly what keeps me pushing. If I can in any way help someone find that joyous, heart full moment, than I feel like I've accomplished more than just "started running."
When I'm running, I think of those emails and messages. I think of people that inspire me, I think of my support team, and I also just settle into my Zen. I also think about my journey, with running and life, and how I just keep climbing out and over whatever is thrown my way. This song, cheesy as it may be, is one of my running power songs. I hope maybe it's words help inspire YOU to just keep "pushing on" as well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qolUC13bwMc
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