Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Love Needs

While I was away on my "Girls Weekend" at Tremblant, we got into an interesting discussion about relationships and needs and what we do or don't like when it comes to this crazy lil thing called love.

Some of my friends have remained single by choice, others by circumstance, and still others are divorced and hoping to meet someone to share their life with again. It's amazing how different everyone is regarding taste in looks, personality and romance requirements. It actually surprises me that ANYONE ever finds a match with all of the varying people out there!

As we got to talking, and looking through profiles on Plenty Of Fish (don't ask!) it hit me that if I was out there searching again, I'd probably still pick my husband, or a facsimile anyways. Ha!

When we first met, he was VERY different from anyone I had dated previously and my friends and family weren't too sure about him. What I LIKED about him were the very things they hated. He's cocky, arrogant, and very sure of himself. That bravado is what sold me! On top of which, he's handsome as heck, makes me laugh, makes me think, calls me on my BS, and was great with my niece and kids in general. The part they didn't realize was that underneath, he's a total sensitive kitten. (he'll love me for that comparison!) If anything, he's the romantic, sweet one of the two of us.

I think for many years, I sort of....okay not sort of...definitely.....idolized him to some degree. I put him on this pedestal of being infallible and my "Knight in Shining Armour" that could do no wrong in my eyes. I mean, he annoyed me many times, but I'm more specifically referring to the bigger picture. Who knew that an unsentimental girl like me had built that up in her head, right? I'm as shocked as you!

The problem is, our love styles are very different. I go along casually, just believing that "bad times" are just part and parcel of life in a relationship, or with kids. I had set up my headspace already that some years would be tough or lean-like when the kids were little or we were trying to get our life plans sorted. I don't require a lot of coddling, or huggy/kissy stuff, and I like my space, so I just figured things were good.

My husband? He internalizes a lot more and needs more one on one time and reassurance. Who knew?

So, a few years back, we got to that do or die fork in the road and had to have some very big, important chats. It boiled down to still being crazy about each other, but having to each tweak how we relate, while respecting the other persons needs too. It sounds like a bad thing, but I think I saw my husband for who he really is at that point-flaws and all, and not the epic hero I'd created to come save me in my imagination.

The way we approach things may be very different, our needs may be very different, but if I was searching online dating-his profile, to this day, is the one that would catch my eye and reel me in. Go deeper than the superficial description, and our parenting, religious and family beliefs all line up as well. Sometimes, it takes bad times to make you see what was there all along, and what your heart was REALLY needing and searching.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I better go show some love to the man I'd like to continue to "have a longterm relationship" with and "hang out" casually.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Is This What A Mid-Life Crisis Looks Like?

I have a sort of constant itch lately. I feel like I'm supposed to (dictated by whom is what I can't quite figure?) be doing more, seeing more, being more.

When I search for what this means, delving into my head space on repeat in an everlasting playlist, I come up empty handed.

On the one hand, why can't I just be content with the status quo? Why must I always be seeking, searching, looking, yearning?

On the flip side,  maybe the days have more to offer that I'm neglecting to hope for, because hope for me has often left me charred and more than a little wary.

I have dreams, specific long term plans and goals. Yet, I seem to have no energy on a day to day basis to even consider the reach.

I tell myself, like with every move we've done, that I need to devote a year to just "being."  It usually takes that long to suss out what I want and where I'm at emotionally. The problem is, I've never been very patient. This time, it seems even more just out of my grasp. The continual loop of enquiry in my brain is draining and exhausting. It's that physical denouement that is most prevalent.

I know the best Rx for this is just to give things, give everything, time. Time. Time. Time. It's the story echoing and reverberating through the hollows of my mind.

How much time? For what?

I know many who went through a sort of turning point around 40 years old. Worse, for some, it was a spiralling plummet without a parachute.  I'd prefer to be the former than the latter.

I'll give it some time and take some small, tentative steps, because I don't "allow" crisis. To every problem there is a solution. To every uncertainty there must be a leap. I have no idea where my path is leading....but I continue to follow.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Time, It Is A 'Flyin'

I was talking to a neighbour this morning, as we both hurried up the street after dropping our kids at school, about the fact that it's suddenly December 1st. I say suddenly because, really, how is this possible? I guess that as the routines of each day pass, one week transforms into the next and finds us already scrambling for what's looming on the calendar's horizon.

November seemed particularly busy for my clan, with obligations and social events alike. There was even a professional photo shoot (more on that to come) and a weekend away with friends for me. So, obviously it wasn't all rush with no fun!

The heading of "December" on the wall this morning has me grabbing pen and paper and making some lists of food to buy and make, gifts left to purchase (yes, I've already made a good dent) and cards to sign, address and stamp. There are social plans to look forward to, and many work events and later schedules for my husband. All in all December is an exciting, hopeful month but like all the others of late -it's one that seems to zoom by in the blink of lights, decorations, food and deadlines.

If I'm going to get it all done, with time to it back and revel in all that organization, I better get to it!