Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Love Needs

While I was away on my "Girls Weekend" at Tremblant, we got into an interesting discussion about relationships and needs and what we do or don't like when it comes to this crazy lil thing called love.

Some of my friends have remained single by choice, others by circumstance, and still others are divorced and hoping to meet someone to share their life with again. It's amazing how different everyone is regarding taste in looks, personality and romance requirements. It actually surprises me that ANYONE ever finds a match with all of the varying people out there!

As we got to talking, and looking through profiles on Plenty Of Fish (don't ask!) it hit me that if I was out there searching again, I'd probably still pick my husband, or a facsimile anyways. Ha!

When we first met, he was VERY different from anyone I had dated previously and my friends and family weren't too sure about him. What I LIKED about him were the very things they hated. He's cocky, arrogant, and very sure of himself. That bravado is what sold me! On top of which, he's handsome as heck, makes me laugh, makes me think, calls me on my BS, and was great with my niece and kids in general. The part they didn't realize was that underneath, he's a total sensitive kitten. (he'll love me for that comparison!) If anything, he's the romantic, sweet one of the two of us.

I think for many years, I sort of....okay not sort of...definitely.....idolized him to some degree. I put him on this pedestal of being infallible and my "Knight in Shining Armour" that could do no wrong in my eyes. I mean, he annoyed me many times, but I'm more specifically referring to the bigger picture. Who knew that an unsentimental girl like me had built that up in her head, right? I'm as shocked as you!

The problem is, our love styles are very different. I go along casually, just believing that "bad times" are just part and parcel of life in a relationship, or with kids. I had set up my headspace already that some years would be tough or lean-like when the kids were little or we were trying to get our life plans sorted. I don't require a lot of coddling, or huggy/kissy stuff, and I like my space, so I just figured things were good.

My husband? He internalizes a lot more and needs more one on one time and reassurance. Who knew?

So, a few years back, we got to that do or die fork in the road and had to have some very big, important chats. It boiled down to still being crazy about each other, but having to each tweak how we relate, while respecting the other persons needs too. It sounds like a bad thing, but I think I saw my husband for who he really is at that point-flaws and all, and not the epic hero I'd created to come save me in my imagination.

The way we approach things may be very different, our needs may be very different, but if I was searching online dating-his profile, to this day, is the one that would catch my eye and reel me in. Go deeper than the superficial description, and our parenting, religious and family beliefs all line up as well. Sometimes, it takes bad times to make you see what was there all along, and what your heart was REALLY needing and searching.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I better go show some love to the man I'd like to continue to "have a longterm relationship" with and "hang out" casually.