Wednesday, November 28, 2012

'Tis The Season....

Christmas is a wonderful time of year, but also kind of a nutso one, right? I feel like the time flies by in a harried whirlwind from mid-November until at least end of January! It's mostly good stuff with merry making and kindness and stuff, but as a Mum and the one who "takes care of everything holiday related," it's a little crazy making!

For those of you that sent me emails or posted comments on my last blog post, thank you and I reassure you again-I'm A-OK.  I didn't mean to make anyone question my mental status (well, any more so than usual!) or worry any of you! I'm doing great in so many ways, I'm just always that girl that is on a quest for "more." I also, as I stated, really believe in seeking and searching and evolving, so I'm just trying to figure that piece out as well. I have loads more I want to do and accomplish, and I know what most of it entails, but just not all of it. That's clear as mud, right? Just know I'm on a path and it's an adventure I'm willingly undertaking so don't fret!

Now, back to the merry making.

I embraced November's challenges to try some new things by testing out my gym membership and trying new classes and new equipment. I was frankly terrified at the thought of Pump class (weights with literally 1000 repetitions? Sure, sounds fun!) but I went out and tried and went back some more! I also started some days a week where I'm working in TWO workouts instead of just one. Yesterday, for example, I did a Pump class and then ran 6.5k on snowy sidewalks. THAT was also a  new challenge that made me nervous but it was okay in the end. I guess winter running will be less about speed than it is endurance. I hate the thought of the treadmill but I know it's going to happen. Sigh. I DID manage to break my old 5k time and I'm feeling uber confident that I can totally do it in under 30 minutes come spring. I'm never cocky but there ya go!

I've also been hosting book club, going to Runner's Yoga and Yin, went to a play, travelled to Syracuse with girlfriends where I laughed more than I have in literally years, and been trying to maintain a household and do some holiday shopping and baking.

I have a Wine and Cookie Exchange coming up this Friday evening, a 7.5k run tomorrow night, another run on Sunday morning (8k?) and several holiday social events.

See what I mean when I said I'm all good? It's really nothing a girl can complain about, is it?

December's challenges will entail more classes that scare me (BodyCombat? CXworks?), more cold, snowy runs, and surviving holiday treats and nibbles!

The joy of the season will be giving to families in need with my kids, attending my favourite Church services, spending time with my family and loved ones, cherishing the incredible new and forever friendships and women in my life, brunch with old friends I haven't seen in years, and breathing in the end of one life changing, incredible year.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Who The Heck Are YOU?

Life is certainly a mystery, at least, if you're doing it right.  I just feel like even though I'm going to be 40 next year, and potentially should be all learned about myself, I'm constantly surprised by what I thought "was" and  turns out "is not."

I've felt for a long time like somehow, through the years and tears, I've lost that very essence of who I was when I was a kid. As the years went by and horrible crap happened, that fearless kid kinda got the fear of well....everything. To say I'm cautious is an understatement.

Throughout the last several, oh, decades, I've been telling myself multiple lies about who I am, how I react, what I'd do, and what I feel. I've lied so many times to myself that I now believe it to be truth when in fact, it couldn't be further from that reality.

Every now and then I realize that I'm just not being authentically who I am, and that scares me because most of the time, even at middle age, I feel like I don't know who the hell that is anyways! I just know that many times my reactions to things are not what is really going on in my heart or soul.

I think what I'm finding is, I play tough, but I'm sensitive. I play cold, because I don't want to be warm and get rejected. I play strong when I feel my weakest. I play bold when I feel meek. I don't risk because I feel like I have so much to lose and one more chance to fail, and I don't leap because I feel like there's no one to catch.  I don't share these types of feelings, mostly, because I'd rather die than look weak or self-pitying.

I have walls upon walls upon walls erected, and breaking them down is the most frightening prospect I've ever considered encountering.

One other thing also, as you change and grow,  it makes people uncomfortable. People that knew you, know you, a certain way....they don't necessarily like who you're becoming and question why you are changing so much?

I've been doing SO much work on my outside, which is great. My inside though, and I know this is a running theme lately, is being ignored because I'm scared of what I'm going to find, steps I'm going to have to take, and where I'll end up and what I'll need to do to get there.

Worse still, I'm terrified I won't like this person I've kept buried for so long, and I'll be coming to terms with qualities and traits I'm not comfortable facing. On the other hand, I have this one life and I think growing as a person is the key to a life well lived.

I think my journey is really just beginning, and there are going to be dips and drags, vents and tears. I hope you'll all help me along the way-if I open the door more than a crack to let you in! Right now, I'm beginning to leave the door ajar.