Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Who The Heck Are YOU?

Life is certainly a mystery, at least, if you're doing it right.  I just feel like even though I'm going to be 40 next year, and potentially should be all learned about myself, I'm constantly surprised by what I thought "was" and  turns out "is not."

I've felt for a long time like somehow, through the years and tears, I've lost that very essence of who I was when I was a kid. As the years went by and horrible crap happened, that fearless kid kinda got the fear of well....everything. To say I'm cautious is an understatement.

Throughout the last several, oh, decades, I've been telling myself multiple lies about who I am, how I react, what I'd do, and what I feel. I've lied so many times to myself that I now believe it to be truth when in fact, it couldn't be further from that reality.

Every now and then I realize that I'm just not being authentically who I am, and that scares me because most of the time, even at middle age, I feel like I don't know who the hell that is anyways! I just know that many times my reactions to things are not what is really going on in my heart or soul.

I think what I'm finding is, I play tough, but I'm sensitive. I play cold, because I don't want to be warm and get rejected. I play strong when I feel my weakest. I play bold when I feel meek. I don't risk because I feel like I have so much to lose and one more chance to fail, and I don't leap because I feel like there's no one to catch.  I don't share these types of feelings, mostly, because I'd rather die than look weak or self-pitying.

I have walls upon walls upon walls erected, and breaking them down is the most frightening prospect I've ever considered encountering.

One other thing also, as you change and grow,  it makes people uncomfortable. People that knew you, know you, a certain way....they don't necessarily like who you're becoming and question why you are changing so much?

I've been doing SO much work on my outside, which is great. My inside though, and I know this is a running theme lately, is being ignored because I'm scared of what I'm going to find, steps I'm going to have to take, and where I'll end up and what I'll need to do to get there.

Worse still, I'm terrified I won't like this person I've kept buried for so long, and I'll be coming to terms with qualities and traits I'm not comfortable facing. On the other hand, I have this one life and I think growing as a person is the key to a life well lived.

I think my journey is really just beginning, and there are going to be dips and drags, vents and tears. I hope you'll all help me along the way-if I open the door more than a crack to let you in! Right now, I'm beginning to leave the door ajar.


  1. So well articulated - I feel so much of what you have written. I feel like now that I'm turning 40 I can shed a lot the bs about myself that I don't like, and see who will stick around. i'm also finding that at this point in my life I only really care about what a handful of people think about me, not the 100+"friends" on facebook. I just can't wait to be that rude, I don't give a rats ass 80 year old who wears elasticized pants and crooked lipstick!

    1. I'm there with ya Karen! Elasticized pants for the win! I'm so on board with everything you just said. I'm finally at the point where I want to surround myself with people who "get me" and appreciate all of that crazy....then just people who I feel "obligated" to have around me. We are all critical enough of ourselves...why have an entourage that makes us feel even lesser?

  2. Journey is the operative word. As we peel back the "layers", to find out where our authentic selves went, we also see the layers we hold away from the "core" are part of us as well. As we grow, as we go through experiences, this adds to our authentic self. I believe I am a sum of my experiences. I am made up of all these events that shape and mold me, even if I don't like them very much.

    Walls are built as a reaction. We learn from an unsavoury experience and develop a coping mechanism so we don't have to experience it again. As you said, you don't want to be hurt, or not get caught if you leap. It is hard to take away that self-protection and risk more, expecially as we get older and there is more to risk (children, income level, health, happiness, the list is endless).

    I applaud you for putting this out there, simply stating it is the first step to peeling back the "layers" to have a poke and find out what you like, what you don't, how you can merge "layers" back into the "core". Even if you leaev some walls intact, you will still be closer to an authentic you, because you understand why the wall is there, and maybe, isntead of removing it, you can build a ladder. <3

    1. I totally agree with you C. I wouldn't change any of the experiences I've lived, yes, including the crappy ones, because they've made me who I am and they've given me an inner fortitude and belief that I can stand on my own two feet and make it no matter the obstacle. I don't know that I'd have that inner reserve had I not had to fight.

      That said, I need to loosen the grip on that "fight" stance and learn to just "BE." (I'm so Zen now! LOL) That's very difficult for me at times. My mind never shuts down, always working, worrying, riddling, questioning. I need to learn to let go and just let things happen as they will, while still trying to forge my own (new) path.

      I'm so glad to have met you. Your spirit and humour uplift me all of the time! You're a great cheerleader in my corner! :)