Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Head Full Of Nothing....or Everything?

Life is pretty busy as of late, and as I was showering at 11pm last night before my youngest daughters next round of Advil, all of these random thoughts started popping into my head. The shower often does that to me for some reason.

Since I haven't been keeping up to par on my blog writing, I thought I'd make it easy on myself (see last post-I'm all about comfort, ease and enjoyment right now) and let you take a quick peek inside the inner workings of my brain. I know, scary stuff.

Here, in no particular order, are some random thoughts I've been pondering recently.

-As an ECE and home daycare provider for the last, oh 10 years, I get a lot of gifts from parents at Christmas time. Of course, this is totally awesome and I appreciate the recognition of the time and energy and thought I put into their young children's lives. Yet, here's the thing. Over the years, I've received many, many a bottle of wine. This led me to the thought that parents either must think that after a day spent with their little darlings, daycare providers need to drink their faces off, OR, that I'm a boozehound. Of course, they'd be right on both counts. Har har. As I said, it's actually a great gift and one that you just can't go wrong giving. In my case anyways. This year, I am ecstatic that I also got two gift certificates to restaurants, cookies and something else is "coming." Hmmm. My family can now eat out every weekend for the next month! Woohoo!

-Secondly, Facebook is a strange and cool tool. I see all of these faces of people I went to school with from the time I was 5 and up through University and it blows my mind. I can picture all of these people "as we were" locked in that time frame, and it's incredible to now see them all married (or divorced, single, partnered, whatever) and with children and lives of their own. I find it interesting to imagine that "the crazy guy" is now a totally devoted Dad. The punk chick is a hands on Mom. The part that gets my curiosity is the choices we all make, and how different they are than the expectations we had for people who fell into certain roles or cliques. The "most beautiful" girl is still single and never married, for instance. I thought for sure she'd be snatched up right away, know what I mean? That leads me to the next musing....

-I would say a large majority of who I became and what I "wanted" out of my adulthood was formed by my own childhood. If you go back in my graduating year's yearbook, my "Ambition" was listed as "Realize the white picket dream." Truly, more than anything else, I wanted the security and comfort of a wonderful, happy family. I grew up with a great Mom, but one who made horrible choices in men. My home life for many years was epically horrific. My main focus wasn't a career or securing that high paying job, it was about making a good choice in a partner and raising a truly happy family. It's probably the reason why I got married at 22. You've seen it before, the person who grew up with little material wealth ends up searching for financial security at all costs, the girl who was always overlooked in favour of her brother shows everyone just how great she can be and outdoes her brother at every turn. All the same thing. That led me to my OWN children though. I wonder what their search will be? If we become who we are based a lot on our home lives and upbringing, where will their road take them? What will they see as "lacking." It's a deep thought, and kind of a scary one. Ah, parental guilt.

-Speaking of marriage and looking for the "right" guy, I was thinking about the major players in my own romantic history. I don't know how some people don't have a "type." That concept is weird to me, since my own selection is usually fairly similar. I like dark hair, and light eyes. As I was pondering the three significant relationships in my life, though, I also realized that even from a young age, I also was attracted to certain recurring traits. The boys, to men, that I've dated with intent, are all ambitious, confident, and not always well liked. They tend to be on the uber confident (ie cocky/arrogant) side. On the negative side, I also just realized something the other day. They were all also one way on the outside, to the world at large, and yet completely insecure and sensitive on the inside. All three of these guys needed a partner that saw them as the whole world. That, in a way, idolized them. I could lie on a couch and psychoanalyze THAT for hours on end, but I won't go into it here. Needless to say, this epiphany hit me in the shower and startled me a little. I'm consistent and true to form, at least. I'm not going to come out of left field and date somebody completely off kilter. It's always dark hair and eyes, uber confident, cocky bravado, with a smirky, teasing, flirty charm. He's never a bad boy, but rather just a bit of a flirty cad. I can give you a famous example as well, if you'd really like. Try a young Mel Gibson, (before the Sugar Tits fiasco) or a Robbie Williams (look him up for all you non-Anglophiles).

-As my friends and acquaintances of late seem to be going through divorces and custody situations, I dreamt that I was going through the same and wondering how we'd divvy up days. Oh. My. Word. That was NOT a good thought. I really don't know how people do that, or are okay with it. How would I LIVE not seeing my kids EVERY day? Wow. I truly couldn't and hope I never have to make those arrangements. I think it would break my husband and I both to have to do that.

-Lastly, as Christmas approaches, I've been thinking a lot about people and times in the past. I guess the holiday season brings out some reminiscing delusions of "the way we were." I'm someone who is always, always, always thinking. (as you can see by the myriad of above thoughts from one days' shower and sleep!!!) It made me wonder if all of the time I spend thinking about others, if they ever think of me. What do they think? You know how you have an impression of "who you are" or "who you were" as a teen, I wonder if those peeps who look me up on Facebook have an impression of me. I wish they'd share what it is/was. I think it would be interesting and maybe I'd learn something new about myself. I did have that happen recently. A girl I went to elementary school with looked me up and her first words to me were, "wow. I remember you so fondly and how you always made me laugh! In a good way! You were always so funny." Ain't nothing wrong with that. I know I was also often a jerk and could be kind of a bully, but I hope I gave more laughs to people than tears.

So, that's the end of the rambling randoms for one blog post. I don't know that I'll be back until after Christmas with everything wonderful and chaotic that it brings. I wish you and yours Happy Holidays. May you have many happy, interesting, arousing randoms of your own.

No comments:

Post a Comment