Change? I'm Just Not That Into You

I don't even really know where to start this blog post, and I know that once I wrap it up my eyes will be blurry and red.

You'd think I'd be ecstatic. Heck, everyone thinks I should be over the moon, and yet inexplicably, I am not.

My husband received news last week that he was the number 1 candidate for a promotion and raise. That's great, right? Well, the promotion has us moving, AGAIN, but this time to our home town.

So, again, awesome right?

Then why am I fighting emotions brimming so close to the surface I find it hard to contain tears?

Of course there are so many positives about moving home. There are friends, and family, and traditions and holidays to spend together. There is our old home and friends a few hours away. There is the new salary and family friendly schedule.

Yet, I feel resistant to go.

The only way I can explain it is, I feel like going home is in some way going "backwards" and not "forwards." I think I've really grown and changed, re-examined myself, in our new province. I don't want to go back and fall into same 'ol, same 'ol. Also, my heart feels like it belongs here, by the ocean. I really truly love it here. It feels like it's essence seeped into my pores with the rolling fog and I don't feel ready to let that go.

Of course, there is also the fact that my eldest daughter spends every day since getting the news in tears. She's made such fantastic connections here, with such wonderful kids. Her teacher told us it was like she has always been here, she was that embraced and enmeshed with her friendships. She's heartbroken, and my heart aches for her.

It's a new start, at a new school, again. I can't guarantee my kids the friendships they've experienced, here. But I hope, fingers crossed and double crossed. I pray for peace and contentment and joy for them, eased with family visits and time with loved ones.

Then, there's me. I've met some truly wonderful women here, women I had many plans with for the future. How can you make such terrific friends, and then say goodbye so shortly afterwards?

I've promised my daughters that we will come back here next summer. We will rent a cottage and spend the whole summer if we want. I have pledged to myself that if going "home" doesn't feel right, if my soul isn't peaceful, a year from now......I will move back. Money and finances are one thing in life, but true happiness is another.

I know this seems overly dramatic. I try to focus on the positives that I know will make me happy. I keep my mind on the faces of my best gals at home. I envision times laughing and hanging out with them, because I've missed them so for almost 4 years now. I picture my Mom spending time with my girls, and date nights with my husband since we'll have family close by to give us that break. I look forward to holidays with my family, something I haven't had in years. I'm happy for a great family doctor again and what that means for our health.

One thing I know from moving 3x now in 4 years is that we will be fine. We will make friends and find our niche. We'll have laughs and fun no matter where we are, as long as we're together.

I know these things.

As I sat in yoga today, trying to "let go of my thoughts and concentrate on my breath" I felt myself welling up and my mind scurrying and wandering.

One day, I will be oceanside again. Until then, my heart will beat with the rolling tides.