Thursday, June 4, 2009

Tiny Violin Playing

Do you ever have those times in your life, whether it's a day or a week or a month, where you just feel yourself teetering on the edge of a total breakdown? Please say yes. I'm having one of those times.

Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's the fact that my Dad, a pretty healthy man that entered the hospital to have an aneurysm removed, is now on death's door. Add to that fact, I can't get there right now and if and when I do, it'll likely be too late. Maybe it's that my eldest daughter hates where we moved and has really been struggling with it for over a year now, and breaks my heart every day when she comes home from school upset, again. Maybe it's all of the craziness of my life and the fact that this month is nuts. Maybe it's the stress of the last year piling up on me just now, as I've tried to quash it down on a regular basis.

I don't know what it is, but I find myself unable to socialize with other human beings. I'm breaking out in tears throughout the day with seemingly no real cause. I'm tired beyond belief and doing my normal daily routine is difficult enough as it is to get through. I feel like no one is getting the best from me, and I'm not getting the best from myself. And then I feel worse still.

You know how celebrities take time out and go and have a little "rest" away from the action and lights and cameras? They go to some resort and get massages and sleep and write in their journals and detox and whatever else they do there. Oprah does yoga ones with health foods and hikes and solitude times. Ya, those. Well, they are sounding pretty darn good to me right now.

I hate being a downer. I hate even writing this today because to me it's like admitting defeat or weakness. It's just not me. So you know it's THAT bad if I'm putting it out there for all of you. And worse still, I'm becoming the kind of person that usually makes me uncomfortable in normal life. You know the one that has a sob story every day of the week and plays the martyr or pitiful me routine. I hate that. And I do my best to not even let people know how I'm feeling most of the time. But the mask is slipping a little and I'm having trouble holding it up right now.

I think I need to grab a white coat and join Susan Boyle for some "rest" at The Priory. Then instead of pathetic, I can be trendy! Ah. If only..............................


  1. Aww Trace, I'm sorry that you are feeling so down. Do you feel better since writing this (as in getting it all off of your chest? Probably not, huh? I wish that I could help you get to see your dad. I have a feeling that would do you a ton of good! I'm also sorry that A is not liking the current digs. Maybe things will ease a bit with summer coming?! Please know that I enjoy reading whatever you write-no matter the mood. I really does make me realize that I am not alone in some of my thinkings-and neither are you! I feel like you have hit a rough patch and it will soon pass! ((HUGS)) :o)

  2. Sorry for all of the spelling and grammar mistakes; trying to do too many things at once.

  3. I always feel better when I purge these types of feelings from my body...but usually it's my journal that no one reads, so I give you mad props for doing this! Big hugs for you! I know you'll find the strength you need.

  4. You have way too much on your plate right now, Trace. Hang in there. This too, shall pass.