Thursday, December 30, 2010

2010, I Bid You Adieu

It's the night before New Year's Eve and here I sit, past midnight, contemplating the year that has just passed. When you are living in the day to day moments, you just push to get through days, months, events and feelings. It's in these twilight hours that the scorecard tally of all that the year held seems incredible to me. What lies ahead for 2011? The word that comes to mind, if saying it aloud could make it so, is to feel "settled" and with that maybe some aging hippy "inner peace."

There have been so many changes and stresses and challenging moments the last two years for me, that I'd like 2011 to signal a new chapter. In 2010, a lot of changes occurred that closed doors, and I think I'd like to start flinging new ones open.

My last year involved a move to an entirely new province. In fact, one I'd never even set foot upon. That made move number 2 for us in less than 3 years. They say that selling a home and moving are two of life's biggest stresses. Well, leave it to me to do it twice, then. Go big or go home! We left behind amazing friendships that we were so fortunate to make right away; friendships that made us feel welcome from the shaky start. Those friendships saw us through some of our darkest moments and brought light to our happiest times. However, moving was a real gift for me, as it meant closing the door on everything that reminded me of heartache and loss, and let me move forward toward (what I hope) will be a time of re-growth and awakening.

I also lost my Dad this year. It's never an easy explanation when I speak of him or the dance that we did in our relationship. Suffice it to say that, whatever the view from the outside, and whatever the hurt that ebbed and flowed, he was my Daddy and I loved him. I don't really have the words to speak about this-me-who is never without words. My fingers poise over the keys but my thoughts stumble over one another and can't seem to make one single fluid sentence. I'm not a great one to pour out my feelings, and in this loss, it seems they've jammed up inside even further. I find it difficult to look at pictures, often quickly skipping past photos in my siblings Facebook albums. I try not to let memories wash over me when I'm in company, or ill prepared for the influx of tears. I'm shocked at my sense of outrage and loss. Mostly, though, I'm just a daughter that misses her Dad.

As is my typical response to stress and heartache, I've medicated myself with food. Obviously, this cycle of stress eating only leads to further stress and I've yet to conquer the demon. I'm disappointed in myself for negating all of the positive steps I had taken to tame this ornery beast that has plagued me for many years. I'm disappointed that I'm still fighting this nemesis. I'm hopeful that 2011 will find me stepping over the threshold into finally leaving behind this emotionally fraught baggage full of comfort foods that bring little comfort.

So, here I sit on the verge of a New Year. I always feel delicious anticipation at the possibilities that seem so ripe and within my grasp as I spin past on the Merry-Go-Round of Life. I'm starting completely new and fresh. I'm in a new home, in a new province, with everything to discover about new places and people and a new "me." Oh, not that I'm ditching the old me. I'm just adding and subtracting and multiplying to find a new configuration that makes for a more balanced equation.

The doors are opening and I'm poised on the brink of an incredible journey. I can almost feel the tingle of electricity in the air and in my soul I just know that I've reached a pivotal turning point. That's melodramatic, I know. I guess time will tell.

I'm looking forward to the next post, where I'll lay out my plans for "Resolutions" and how I'm taking this 2011 bull by the horns. Until then, goodbye to the old and a giddy welcome to a much needed brand New Year.

Happy New Year's to you and yours!

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