Are you the type that wears your emotions on your sleeves? If you are happy, do you practically beam with giddy overflow? When sad, do you let the tears fall unabashedly down your cheeks? Does anger seethe and rip through you with no restraint? When surrounded by chaos and stress, does your body take the hit?
I write those words like they aren't totally foreign concepts to me, and yet, not a one of those describes me. It's not like I'm all blank faced all of the time, it's just that, outside of my family, I try to keep how I'm feeling on the down low.
Lately, however, it's like some sort of hormonal alien has taken over my body. I literally can't seem to contain any source of emotional content. For me, that's totally horrific. I hate nothing more than letting myself be weak (how I see it for myself, not others) and breaking down, in public no less! What the what what?
My husband and I spend Mondays together, his "weekend," and while those days often entail errand running, we also try to squeeze in a sort of "date" day. It might just be shopping together, or lunch, or spending the day napping and lounging in bed.
This Monday, we decided to go out and have a nice lunch together. We were pleasantly discussing various topics ranging from the news, politics, our house plans, our kids, yada yada, when we veered dangerously left to topics best left undiscussed. Now, anyone who knows me is aware that, I don't LET topics generally, "go." I'm not the sweep it under the rug and pretend everything is fine type. I'm a confront, confront, confront until we've put this baby to BED, type. So I usually have no qualms just laying it all out there. However, as I've said, I've been having trouble keeping my emotions in check lately, and sitting there in Moxie's, the waterworks started.
Not even just a little trickle of sniff sniff. Nope. It was full on tears, have to look away so people don't see me with rivers down my face and streaked mascara torrents. Yikes.
It's been a stressful time, and Monday was the day that my Dad's wife was going to court to take over as Executor and basically kick us once more in the collective guts. I was trying to keep busy to avoid having to think about it all, which clearly I shouldn't have been since it's not my usual way of dealing and results in Tammy Faye Baker copycatting. Compound that with other stressful topics and discussions and roll it all up in a neat, tidy little package called, "Welcome to your Moxie's breakdown." Guess I was overdue.
I, of course, was totally mortified. I'm hoping it never happens, EVER AGAIN, because frankly I don't like looking into the mirror at a streaky faced stranger. I pulled myself together and off we went about our business for the day, hormone crazy free.
My husband then cheered me up by buying me a Starbucks, writing me silly notes on post its and on the ipad every time I left the room, and by generally ignoring that I'd lost my shiz all over lunch.
By bedtime I found myself back to my normal stoic self. Phew.
Stiff upper lip, hip, hip cheerio-and all that.
The emotional alien inside me has left the building!
Now STAY OUT!
Awwww ;-) Impressed that this was your first waterworks show at a restaurant. :-D I hate to admit that it has happened to me more than once while dining with hubby! We are all different when it comes to how we express ourselves but I think it all comes out in one way or another some how.
ReplyDeleteI am also the type of person who has to get to the bottom of things and work them through. I can't stand any unsaid awkward feelings and fakeness. Drives me nuts!
I'm sorry about your dad's wife :( The same thing happened to my grandmother's friend. My grandparents have pre-empted this by not allowing the children of any future spouses to inherit. It's good to plan ahead and I'm sorry for what you're going through.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of crying, my emotions are extreme. I will either be very happy, very angry, or very sad. If I just feel "blah" then I cry. I've found that people are more likely to offer help when people cry, rather than when people get angry.
I hope everything works out for you!
Angie-I think I can count, on my hands, how many times I've bawled EVER in front of my husband. I'm a shower crier. LOL And ya-I like to work things through instead of burying my head in the sand or avoiding or sweeping under the rug. Just not me.
ReplyDeleteHangingdice-Thanks for the comment! Ya, I'm sad that my Dad wasn't more thorough in his will and didn't cover things more accurately and with more specifics. I guess it's a lesson. Thanks for the well wishes. Much appreciated. :)