Thursday, May 28, 2009


I thought I'd share some more lighthearted things about myself today, instead of my dark, brooding side. I bet you're ecstatic!

Picture you and I sitting on a log in a deep, dark forest. I realize this analogy is totally fictional, because I'd never even be found in a deep, dark forest but it's creative licence to prove a point. Just go with it, people. So back to the woods. We're sitting there enjoying the camping life and suddenly mosquitoes surround us. Amazingly, you are not bothered in the slightest by any of the mosquitoes. You leave the forest with nary a bite. Why, you ask? One of the delightful things about me is that if mosquitoes are anywhere within a fifty mile range, the person with me will be completely safe as the 'squitos make a beeline for my blood supply. I'm not sure what makes me so tantalizing to them, but you're welcome.

The other night, my husband decided we should sleep with the windows thrown wide open. I'm a big fan of fresh air as well so I didn't have any issue with this. However, come morning I did. I hadn't realized that our screen is a bit bent and has a wee, little space between it and the window frame. It's the perfect little opening for mosquitoes to come in and bring down their whining wrath on my poor blood-drained corpse. My husband has not one bite. I have several on my legs, several on my arms and wrists, and several on my back. Lovely. Just another great aspect about being me.

In general, I'm one of those people that has weird reactions to things, or has weird things happen to them that never happens to other people. For example, how many people do you know that can tear the ligaments in their ankle running from a cow? Seriously. Not a word of a lie. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Welcome to my world.

The first time I went downhill skiing, I didn't throw myself off of the chairlift in time. Realizing my mistake, I figured I could just go around again. Um, nope. They STOPPED the chairlift and a guy came with a ladder and got me down. That was a hard one to live down when every single one of my classmates was cursing the "idiot" who got the chairlift stopped. Honestly I should never be allowed on or near skis again. I also managed to fall off of the t-bar and then couldn't swing myself and my skis out of the way in time for the next person coming up behind. I had a trail of people skiing OVER my skis and cursing me the whole while. I'm even hell on cross-country skis. I managed to break my friends wooden cross-country ski in half, going down a slight dip in the snow. Uh huh. True stories.

When I was little, I decided I'd be the Wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz. My Mom went out and bought green makeup at the store. We covered my face in the makeup and I put on my costume. When our guests arrived, my face was starting to bother me a little. It was a little itchy. Then, a lot itchy. I ended up in tears with my face FULL of hives. It certainly improved the effect of the scary witch costume and my howling sobs added to my horrific and screeching mystique. Imagine my delight to find out, I'm allergic to cheap makeup, even if it says hypo-allergenic.

Honestly, I could go on with so many tales like this you would call Ripley's. You name it, and it's likely happened to me. I'm the girl that failed my driver's test after passing all of the required difficult stuff like parallel park and three point turn, for turning left too soon. And only because my examiner was on her first day back after being slammed into while doing a left turn. Coincidence? I'm the girl that has a c-section and they go to check my incision and it's raised three inches and red. Why you ask? I'm suddenly allergic to adhesive tape. While I'm at it, I also learn in that frightful circumstance that I'm allergic to iodine that is brushed all across my abdomen and the itching is severe. Yes, itching on top of a c-section. The fun never ends.

Leave it to me to have a child that fractured her skull trying to get out of me. She slammed her noggin against my pelvic bones a little too often with no way out that way! Both my girls also had milk sensitivities (ie projectile vomits!) Nope, I never, ever take or have things happen the easy way. The easy way is for wimps! If there is something crappy that's going to happen, or something weird, and you are in a group with me, I go back to my original point. You're safe if you have me in your group.

There we are in the deep, dark woods. We don't realize that a psycho killer has been stalking us and has snuck up behind us. We begin to run as fast as we can. I trip on a tree branch and sprain my ankle, while also being attacked by mosquitoes and having a reaction to the flower pollen found on the forest floor. You run away unscathed while I pray one of the elements gets me before the psycho.

That's just the way I roll. Don't you feel safer now that you've got me as a friend?

You're welcome.

1 comment:

  1. It astounds me how alike we are. Seriously, we could be twins. Just two weeks ago I had SHINGLES! Yes, shingles. The disease we aren't supposed to get until we're in our seventies. That's me. And you know my childbirth story...enough said there.

    Someday, we're going to get together and prove how we were separated at birth. lol