Lament Of The Stay At Home Mom # 1 Bazillion

I don't know what it is with this week, but be prepared for another Bitch and Moan blog today.

Now, I don't really like complaining about the fact that I've been a "Stay At Home Mom" for the last 9 years. One, I don't know that I even give myself that label because I've also been a "Work At Home Mom" for almost all of that time. And two, it makes it seem like I resent having stayed at home with my kids, which is totally NOT the case. (well, most days)

But sometimes, I look back and I wonder when it's going to be "my" time again. I know I'm not alone in this feeling, either. I read blogs daily and I talk to friends, and the general consensus of "Stay At Home Moms" everywhere seems to be the same. We've put ourselves on the back burner for the sake of our families.

And see, here's the rub. Would I go back in time and choose differently? Put my girls in daycare and go out there in search of the big career? No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't change a thing. Those years were difficult and often insane, many days ending in tears. (mine) But all so worth it.

But I think somewhere in my head, I told myself that once both girls were in school full time and if our financial situation could withstand it, I'd stay home and not work and focus on my dream of writing.

This was SUPPOSED to be my year. And instead, I feel sometimes (like today, well actually like this whole past year) that I'm sitting idly by and watching all of my dreams go up in smoke.

And there is no one to blame really for the fact that I have to work. I mean, I guess I could blame the government for these economic times, or big business or "The Man" but the reality is, I'm darn lucky to have a husband with a good job that pays well and has great benefits. It has permitted me to work from home.(making a pittance truth be told) But in this day and age, just having a job and not being laid off is something to be celebrated.

For that, and so much more, I truly am thankful.

Some days (like today) I just feel like the candy has been offered to me and then taken away. I thought that this year I would spend half my day writing and the other half of my day keeping my house up and preparing meals and other such general Holly Hobby crockery. I planned on pursuing goals and ambitions and dreams I have put off for that day when it would be "my turn" to reach for the stars. I've stood beside my husband and my children as they worked and played and sought out theirs, knowing my time would come.

But some days (again, like today) I feel like that's never going to happen. I realized this morning that I can't remember the last time I did something fun, for me. I fill our time with activities for my kids and events and outings that will make them happy. My husband gets to golf or go to dinner and have drinks, even if it is work related it's still going "out" in my opinion.(and I know he's going to read this and say, "I've golfed ONCE this year. Dinner is with work! It's not fun!" Well, it's still one time more than me and it's still a dinner where you aren't chaperoning and cutting someone's meat!) Honestly and sadly, I can't remember the last time I went anywhere without my kids or had a girls night out with friends. I would say my fun time is spaced months apart, when I get to travel back home and see my peeps.

I'm still trying to do some of those things on my List. I've mentioned some of them in previous posts. And I AM writing, namely the blog. For me to sit down for hours daily and write, I need quiet and no distractions. I need a clear head and time. In the evenings, with all of our activities plus making dinner as soon as I close up the daycare, I'm just too pooped to have any creative juices flowing. During nap time, I'm distracted by what I have to do, what's to come, schedules and timetables. Plus, it's only an hour and a half. Which is not enough time for me. So, instead, I have a notebook full of half written stories, just started ideas and jotted notes of plots.

And so, I wait. I do the things on my List that are attainable. I take Spanish lessons. And I put off for another year (to 16 months?) my dreams. My ambitions. My goals.

I sit here with tears flowing down my face, feeling sorry for myself and pitiful, and hang on for a little bit longer. Maybe I just need chocolate.

PMS sucks.