Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Thoughts A Mother Ain't Supposed To Have

Last night, I had the house all to myself. I know, crazy talk. My husband was away over night and my kids were out at their activity. I had two blissful hours to sip white wine and surf the net. You can see where I'm going with this though. The guilt set in that I was having these bliss filled thoughts.

I struggle with maternal guilt. What mom doesn't, right? At least, I used to think all Moms did. It turns out, there's a whole secret society of Moms that are loud and proud about the fact that they relish time away from their kids. What the???

I've always imagined it was bad karma or something to be happy to have time alone. I have girlfriends who say things like,"Thank Goodness the kids got invited to a sleepover" while I shudder with bad feelings about that kind of talk. I think maybe some Celtic superstition has travelled the generations through my blood, and it works overtime in me now.

Last night, I was happy for a little break. I knew that they'd be home and cranky from a late night and being out of their normal bedtime routine. I knew the next hour before their slumber wouldn't be pleasant. So, for those two hours, I just wanted to repose and prepare. Since I was on my own, I knew I'd need extra reserves!

Yet, I felt guilty for those thoughts.

I'm the Mom who doesn't have date nights. In fact, I only trust a handful of people to watch my kids, and most of them live in my hometown. You do the math on the last time my husband and I had a "night out" with that little inconvenience. I'm the Mom that, though a FREE TRIP is offered to me, thinks about the fact that if my husband and I BOTH go, and something happens, my kids will lose both parents as opposed to one. I know, I'm morbid.

I complain about never having time to myself or never having "grown up time" with my husband, but the guilt eats me alive every time that I do or that I have those desires. I know both of those things are needed, and everyone needs to recharge and have some respite, but I'm not being at all facetious when I tell you that-I feel like a "Good Mom" shouldn't wish her kids away. Even for one minute.

I have issues, clearly. I'm going to have to start with baby steps to start carving out that time, and not thinking about the Karma bus.

Maybe next week.

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